My Precious Allura,
Another year has come and gone and I have much to tell you about the last two months. We had Wilder's first birthday party (Sweets themed) and you were super sweet the whole day. You were quick to offer to help him devour his smash cake and you delighted in the presents he opened. You were such a great big sister!
We had a lot of excitment building up to Christmas this year because you understood that Santa was coming to bring you presents. We listened to Christmas songs in the car non-stop and you learned the words to quite a few of them. There was nothing cuter than you singing "You better watch out, you better not cry...." I am always so amazed at how quickly you pick up the lyrics to new songs. You have an amazing memory.
We went to Nana's on Christmas Eve and both she and Shaun got you guys a bunch of gifts! You guys got a walking dinosaur robot called "Spike", you got a Disney Princess bicycle and an Ariel doll that goes in the bathtub with you amongst other things. Dad and I were SO excited to see your reaction on Christmas morning...we were certain that all the gifts from Santa would blow your mind. Unfortunately things did not go as smoothly as we had hoped for because after all, you are two. Initially you were pretty excited to open gifts but you preferred to take your time and inspect each gift and wanted to open each toy and take it out of the box and play with it before moving on to the next gift. Sadly, we had to keep you moving at a faster pace than you wanted to go with your gift opening because we had to be at Meema and Papa's and you guys had to get naps in before hand. This lead to quite a melt down on your part where you actually refused to even open your last present for quite some time. I'd be lying if I said we were not a bit disappointed in your behavior, but even so, we understood why you were frustrated. We told Meema and Papa that going forward we would do our small family present opening on another day in order to get a few more hours back for us to enjoy opening our presents without a rush. So ultimately, your tantrum helped to alleviate the stress and rush of future Christmas days! :)
You started swimming lessons about 12 weeks ago now, and 2 weeks ago Wilder started them with you. It is SO cool to see how much confidence you have gained in the water. You are such a sweet big sister showing Wilder how to do "monkey cheeks" in the pool! I hope you both stay with it and enjoy it.
Something funny that you have started doing is picking up notebooks and pens, or this magnetic writing toy and asking "you want "tay-toh" or french fry?" It's so funny to think that you have eaten in restaurants often enough to be able to mimic the servers! Daddy and I are quick to give you our "orders" and you pretend to write them down, make them and serve them. I have really enjoyed watching you start to show your creativity with pretend games. I bought you tickets to "Disney Princesses on Ice" a few weeks ago and you LOVE it of course, and came home pretending to bite into a "poison apple" and fall asleep awaiting a kiss from your "Prince Charming" aka: daddy. You also tell me to be Ursela and inform me that you are Ariel and so in my best, deepest, meanest Ursela voice I go "I want your voice...Now SING!" and you start singing "ahh-ahh-ahhh...." with the sweetest look on your face. You are such a talented singer at 2 and a half! You also love to sing "Somewhere...over A rainbow..." which warms my heart. I love to hear you sing...you sing all the time now and it will ALWAYS put a smile on my face.
I have to tell you, being at home is such a blessing. One that I try to be continually thankful for. Having a 2.5 year old, and a 13 month old can be exhausting. Throw in 4 dogs that are constantly scrounging for food and having "accidents" everywhere and I get overwhelmed from time to time. I have to admit that I yell much more than I am proud of. I lay in bed at night and feel horrible about my yelling out of frustration. I worry that I am having a negative impact on not only how you will feel about me as a mother, but on who you will grow up to be. I am seeing some aggressive behaviors from you towards Wilder and the dogs and I feel so badly that you are learning to yell by watching me. I am really working on dealing with my frustrations and stress in a more calm manner. I have gotten better, but some days are better than others and today was one of my lower days. You can be SO challenging at times...they don't call them the "terrible two's" for nothing and you have such a strong personality (like me). As a parent, when I get overwhelmed I don't always know how to deal with your tantrums or your yelling. I try to stay calm but sometimes I lose my cool and yell at you and I am SO sorry. I feel like a terrible mother sometimes. I feel so worthless as a mom when I see you yell at the dogs or boss Wilder around because I fear that you are picking up on my bad habits. Does this mean that I think you are a naughty child or a bad person? ABSOLUTELY UNEQUIVOCALLY NOT. I think you are a gloriously smart little girl that is living what she learns. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this. It's not like I am abusive or *that* horrible. I just yell too much and I want to be the kind of mom that stays calm and leads by example. I just want you to know that I am trying to be a better mom, a mom that doesn't yell so much, a mom that can handle two tantruming toddlers in a more positive way-without tantruming myself. I'm not a perfect mom, I so wish I was because you DESERVE a perfect mom. I am divulging this, my most shameful behavior, as a way to be accountable to you and to promise you that I will be better. No matter how overwhelmed I get at times, you do not deserve to be yelled at for being a normal hyperactive and overly assertive 2 year old. All 2 year olds can be a challenge so I have no right to get so overwhelmed. I am working on it. I will be a better mom, because I love you more than life itself and can't stand the thought of making you feel bad about yourself. You have my word Allura, forever more when I get to that *terrible place* that breaking point where I don't know how to deal with my frustrations calmly, I will give myself a time out. I will think of this letter to you and strive to live up to my word and be a better mom. Maybe then I will lay in bed at night feeling like a better mom than I do now. And maybe I will sleep more peacefully.
I love you more than anything, even during the times when your behavior is hard to love. *You* are not the same as your behavior, and I will always love you no matter what. You are this shining beacon of light in my world. There is no better words than to hear "mommy I love you" which is something you offer me at least 10 times a day. That phrase, coming from that voice actually nourishes my soul. *You* nourish my soul. We will get through this challenging chaos of toddlerhood together because our bond is unimaginably strong and we both love each other more than words can ever describe.
I thank God for you every day Allura, I absolutely mean that.
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